Fragments of Jenna's Story--Prologue
Every story has a beginning. Usually when you're writing, it's a good place to start. Since I've decided that I want to begin putting some more effort into getting this story out of my head, it seemed like it might be good to write the beginning of Jenna's story. What follows is very rough, but at least it's a start.
As a bonus, I've also picked an opening quote.
“My mommy always said there were no monsters - no real ones - but there are.”
“Yes, there are.”
“Why do they tell children that?”
“Most of the time, it’s true.”
--Aliens
****
Jenna awoke.
Something wasn’t right. Something was in the room with her. Something dark. Something black. The Monster had come for her! She screamed.
The door flew open and the light clicked on. “Jenna! What’s wrong?” Her mother scooped her into her arms.
“Mommy, Mommy! It was a monster! It wanted to hurt me!” Jenna sobbed.
Jenna’s mother sighed. “Now, Jenna, we’ve been over this before, remember? There are no such things as monsters.” But her face softened as she held her quivering daughter. “Would you like me to look for you?”
Jenna nodded.
Jenna’s mother peeked under the bed. She looked behind the dresser. She looked on the bookshelves. She looked behind the door. “Nope. No monsters here.”
“Mommy, you forgot the closet.”
“Silly me. You’re right.” Jenna’s mother moved to the closet. Jenna cowered in her bed, clutching her stuffed bunny. With a flourish, Jenna’s mother threw open the door. Some of Jenna’s dirty laundry spilled out onto the floor. “No monster in here, either,” she said as she bent to pick up the clothing. “Really, Jenna, you are supposed to use the clothing hamper. We’ve talked about this.”
“Sorry, Mommy,” said Jenna. She tried to see around her mother into the closet. There didn’t seem to be anything moving in there.
“Time for bed, dear,” said Jenna’s mother. “You need your sleep to be ready for school tomorrow.” She tucked Jenna into bed. “Kiss Bunny!” Jenna demanded. Her mother did so. “Good night, Bunny,” she said. “Good night, Jenna. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mommy.” Jenna snuggled under the covers. Her mother turned off the light and left, leaving the door open just a bit. Jenna was soon asleep. The hall light shone in on her sleeping form. Beyond her, the closet door swung slightly ajar, and something slid from the shadows into her room.
****
“Hurry up, Jenna!” Jenna’s mother yelled up the stairs. “You’ll be late for school!”
“I’m coming, Mommy!” Jenna said as she bounded down the stairs.
Jenna’s mother looked at her. “Your shoes are on the wrong feet. Here, sit down.” She worked quickly, swapping the shoes.
Jenna looked up at her mother. “I love you, Mommy.” She smiled at her. “I love you, too. But we need to hurry now.” Jenna pulled on her pink coat and picked up her little backpack. “I’m ready!”
The drive to school was uneventful, and they soon arrived at the school. Children were lining up at the doors, preparing to enter the building. Jenna kissed her mother and ran to meet her class. Jenna’s mother watched her go, and she smiled. The bell rang, and the children poured into the building. Still smiling, she put the car into gear and pulled away from the curb.
****
Jenna was standing in the front of the class, reciting the alphabet. “Q…R…S…T…” She broke off when she saw the door open in the back of the classroom. The vice principal stepped into the room. “Excuse me, Mrs. Pennington,” he said, “but I need to take Jenna down to the office.”
“Certainly, Mr. Thomas. Is everything all right?”
The vice principal did not answer. “Get your things, Jenna,” he said. “I don’t think that you will be back today.”
Jenna felt the eyes of her classmates on her as she gathered her things. What was wrong? Mr. Thomas was usually so happy and friendly. Now, he seemed very tense. While they walked to the school office, she tried talking to him about what she was learning, but he did not seemed to hear her. When they arrived at the office, she saw Mrs. Easley talking with…Daddy? “Daddy? Why are you here?” Then she saw that he had been crying.
“Jenna…Honey…we have to go. There was an accident.” He stumbled over his words. “There was an accident…Oh God oh God. Oh, Linda! Linda!” Dry heaving sobs racked his body.
Jenna started crying. “Where’s Mommy?”
He pulled her into his arms. “Your mommy is dead. Oh Jenna, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
****
They buried Linda on an overcast November afternoon. Jenna stood with her father, clutching a single white rose. One by one, the mourners passed by, each placing a carnation on the coffin. When they had passed, Jenna’s father led her to the coffin. “Say good-bye, Jenna,” he said. Without a word, Jenna put the rose on the coffin. Then she collapsed into tears. Her father picked her up and carried her to the car. Exhausted by grief, she fell asleep as they drove away.
****
“We’re home, Jenna,” her father said. She blinked her eyes, a little confused about where she was. “We’re home,” he repeated. “Let’s go inside.”
The house was just as they had left it. Jenna expected Mommy to come out of the kitchen at any moment, but when she looked, Mommy wasn’t there. She started to cry.
“Hey!” her father said. “That’s enough crying! Damn it, I said stop crying!” Jenna only wailed louder. He grabbed her roughly and pulled her into the living room, dropping her onto the sofa. “Now, shut up and listen to me!” Jenna scurried into a corner of the sofa and stared at him with wide eyes.
“Things in this family are going to be different. We can’t help that. But crying about it isn’t going to make it any better. I miss your mother, too, but I can’t let that stop me from doing what I have to do. The same goes for you. If you come apart like this, then you’re only making it harder for both of us. Got it?”
Jenna nodded wordlessly.
Her father said, “Good. Now, go get ready for bed.”
After Jenna went upstairs, her father put his head in his hands. “Linda, oh my Linda,” he muttered. But he did not cry.
“Roger,” a voice whispered from the kitchen. “Roger.”
He looked up. “Who’s there?” The voice just whispered his name again. Cautiously he went to the kitchen and peeked in.
“Roger,” the voice whispered, “I’m so glad to meet you.” One of the cupboard doors swung open. “I have a present for you,” the voice said. Roger walked to the cupboard and looked inside. On the shelf was a bottle of whiskey. “Just what you are needing,” the voice said. Slowly, Roger picked up the bottle. He hadn’t drunk in years, so how did this bottle get here? “Does that really matter?” whispered the voice. “You know as well as I do that oblivion is in that bottle. Isn’t that what you really want?” Roger held the bottle up to the light. Darkness swirled in its depths. Well, maybe just one little drink. He opened the bottle and raised it to his lips.
Just one drink to wash away the pain.
Behind him, the dark form smiled. It stood aside as Roger walked past it into the living room, still clutching the bottle. Everything was going perfectly. Now all it needed to do was wait.
As a bonus, I've also picked an opening quote.
“My mommy always said there were no monsters - no real ones - but there are.”
“Yes, there are.”
“Why do they tell children that?”
“Most of the time, it’s true.”
--Aliens
****
Jenna awoke.
Something wasn’t right. Something was in the room with her. Something dark. Something black. The Monster had come for her! She screamed.
The door flew open and the light clicked on. “Jenna! What’s wrong?” Her mother scooped her into her arms.
“Mommy, Mommy! It was a monster! It wanted to hurt me!” Jenna sobbed.
Jenna’s mother sighed. “Now, Jenna, we’ve been over this before, remember? There are no such things as monsters.” But her face softened as she held her quivering daughter. “Would you like me to look for you?”
Jenna nodded.
Jenna’s mother peeked under the bed. She looked behind the dresser. She looked on the bookshelves. She looked behind the door. “Nope. No monsters here.”
“Mommy, you forgot the closet.”
“Silly me. You’re right.” Jenna’s mother moved to the closet. Jenna cowered in her bed, clutching her stuffed bunny. With a flourish, Jenna’s mother threw open the door. Some of Jenna’s dirty laundry spilled out onto the floor. “No monster in here, either,” she said as she bent to pick up the clothing. “Really, Jenna, you are supposed to use the clothing hamper. We’ve talked about this.”
“Sorry, Mommy,” said Jenna. She tried to see around her mother into the closet. There didn’t seem to be anything moving in there.
“Time for bed, dear,” said Jenna’s mother. “You need your sleep to be ready for school tomorrow.” She tucked Jenna into bed. “Kiss Bunny!” Jenna demanded. Her mother did so. “Good night, Bunny,” she said. “Good night, Jenna. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mommy.” Jenna snuggled under the covers. Her mother turned off the light and left, leaving the door open just a bit. Jenna was soon asleep. The hall light shone in on her sleeping form. Beyond her, the closet door swung slightly ajar, and something slid from the shadows into her room.
****
“Hurry up, Jenna!” Jenna’s mother yelled up the stairs. “You’ll be late for school!”
“I’m coming, Mommy!” Jenna said as she bounded down the stairs.
Jenna’s mother looked at her. “Your shoes are on the wrong feet. Here, sit down.” She worked quickly, swapping the shoes.
Jenna looked up at her mother. “I love you, Mommy.” She smiled at her. “I love you, too. But we need to hurry now.” Jenna pulled on her pink coat and picked up her little backpack. “I’m ready!”
The drive to school was uneventful, and they soon arrived at the school. Children were lining up at the doors, preparing to enter the building. Jenna kissed her mother and ran to meet her class. Jenna’s mother watched her go, and she smiled. The bell rang, and the children poured into the building. Still smiling, she put the car into gear and pulled away from the curb.
****
Jenna was standing in the front of the class, reciting the alphabet. “Q…R…S…T…” She broke off when she saw the door open in the back of the classroom. The vice principal stepped into the room. “Excuse me, Mrs. Pennington,” he said, “but I need to take Jenna down to the office.”
“Certainly, Mr. Thomas. Is everything all right?”
The vice principal did not answer. “Get your things, Jenna,” he said. “I don’t think that you will be back today.”
Jenna felt the eyes of her classmates on her as she gathered her things. What was wrong? Mr. Thomas was usually so happy and friendly. Now, he seemed very tense. While they walked to the school office, she tried talking to him about what she was learning, but he did not seemed to hear her. When they arrived at the office, she saw Mrs. Easley talking with…Daddy? “Daddy? Why are you here?” Then she saw that he had been crying.
“Jenna…Honey…we have to go. There was an accident.” He stumbled over his words. “There was an accident…Oh God oh God. Oh, Linda! Linda!” Dry heaving sobs racked his body.
Jenna started crying. “Where’s Mommy?”
He pulled her into his arms. “Your mommy is dead. Oh Jenna, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
****
They buried Linda on an overcast November afternoon. Jenna stood with her father, clutching a single white rose. One by one, the mourners passed by, each placing a carnation on the coffin. When they had passed, Jenna’s father led her to the coffin. “Say good-bye, Jenna,” he said. Without a word, Jenna put the rose on the coffin. Then she collapsed into tears. Her father picked her up and carried her to the car. Exhausted by grief, she fell asleep as they drove away.
****
“We’re home, Jenna,” her father said. She blinked her eyes, a little confused about where she was. “We’re home,” he repeated. “Let’s go inside.”
The house was just as they had left it. Jenna expected Mommy to come out of the kitchen at any moment, but when she looked, Mommy wasn’t there. She started to cry.
“Hey!” her father said. “That’s enough crying! Damn it, I said stop crying!” Jenna only wailed louder. He grabbed her roughly and pulled her into the living room, dropping her onto the sofa. “Now, shut up and listen to me!” Jenna scurried into a corner of the sofa and stared at him with wide eyes.
“Things in this family are going to be different. We can’t help that. But crying about it isn’t going to make it any better. I miss your mother, too, but I can’t let that stop me from doing what I have to do. The same goes for you. If you come apart like this, then you’re only making it harder for both of us. Got it?”
Jenna nodded wordlessly.
Her father said, “Good. Now, go get ready for bed.”
After Jenna went upstairs, her father put his head in his hands. “Linda, oh my Linda,” he muttered. But he did not cry.
“Roger,” a voice whispered from the kitchen. “Roger.”
He looked up. “Who’s there?” The voice just whispered his name again. Cautiously he went to the kitchen and peeked in.
“Roger,” the voice whispered, “I’m so glad to meet you.” One of the cupboard doors swung open. “I have a present for you,” the voice said. Roger walked to the cupboard and looked inside. On the shelf was a bottle of whiskey. “Just what you are needing,” the voice said. Slowly, Roger picked up the bottle. He hadn’t drunk in years, so how did this bottle get here? “Does that really matter?” whispered the voice. “You know as well as I do that oblivion is in that bottle. Isn’t that what you really want?” Roger held the bottle up to the light. Darkness swirled in its depths. Well, maybe just one little drink. He opened the bottle and raised it to his lips.
Just one drink to wash away the pain.
Behind him, the dark form smiled. It stood aside as Roger walked past it into the living room, still clutching the bottle. Everything was going perfectly. Now all it needed to do was wait.
posted by Seth Ben-Ezra at 11:46 PM
4 Comments:
Here are some critiques...but first. I really liked it! I can tell it will be a heart-wrenching story. The kinds I love! :-)
We talked about the need to fill out some areas more. There is a need to "feel" what is going on in addition to simply stating what happened.
Here are some of my suggestions in that regard:
In the scene where Jenna is going to the office, she should be afraid to "go to the office" because that is where you go when you are in trouble. The vice-principal is a scary person...he is the one who spanks kids.
I wouldn't say that Jenna thought the vp was "tense" as she wouldn't think those words. Rather she thought he looked mad or scary or upset or even worried. She doesn't try to talk to him because she is scared she is in trouble. She walks silently down the hall with the vp wondering what she did wrong with a nasty sense of foreboding. Maybe she can even remember something she did...like throwing rocks at recess or something. This will also prep the readers and build up tension.
And then...as she slowly (think slow
motion) turns the corner...she sees her father w/ his back turned toward her. Now she is really scared. She has done something SO terrible that Daddy was called in. She is in deep trouble.
Then...Daddy turns around. His eyes are red. She immediately starts crying because "Daddys don't cry."
I think he is unable to tell her at first. He says, "there was an accident..." and he starts a few times but cannot say it.
She asks where mommy is at. He pulls her into his arms. And her father just cries for a while. He looks at her, he hugs her tightly and she is confused. She's glad she isn't in trouble..or so it seems... but now she is really confused. Then her father finally pulls it together enough to tell her.
Also...Who is Mrs. Easley?
I think that at the funeral scene, as they drive away, Jenna should "look back" and see the scene disappear as it begins to rain. Symbolic that she cries... What do you think?
When Jenna comes in the house for the first time after hearing about her mother's death (though the funeral wouldn't really be immediately after school, but a few days later -maybe this scene should come before the funeral scene) she should "look around more" hopeful to see her mother. Maybe have her thinking, "maybe Daddy was wrong. Maybe someone lied to him. Maybe he was just joking. Daddy jokes sometimes. She's probably just downstairs/upstairs folding laundry. No. Well...she is probably just in the pantry. No. Well... she probably stopped off at the store to pick something up for dinner. Yeah. She'll be back soon." or something until she comes to realize her mother isn't there and isn't coming home. Then she cries. We need to "feel" it. Does she go find bunny? Is bunny scared with her when Daddy tells her off?
A thought about the monster...should the monster ever really be "seen?" Should it perhaps only ever be a voice? A voice over the shoulder, a voice from the corner, from the closet, from the cupboard, tc....And a "sense" of something there but never seeing anything.
Those are a few of my thoughts...
I am so glad that you added more to the story... thank you for updating...
with everything that i have gone thru in my most recent past, i completely understand about the monster in the bottle...
thanks again for the update.
Really good begining, Seth.
One suggestion- perhaps you should introduce Jenna's dad before the heartrending scene in the principal's office. Just give us some background before we see him give in so easily to the Monster.
Also, you had talked about picking names with meaning. I understand Jenna's mom's name, but what about her dad's? Just curious.
I think Crystal's suggestions are really good, but you have to be careful to not get too overly dramatic. A little kid doesn't think in poetic language.
You know, I have no idea why I chose Roger. Might be good if I figured it out, eh?
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